Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
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It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit