addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
You Might Also Like
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
Pot warmers of the day.
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁