*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
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Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
Hmmmmm
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
Forever 21… pounds overweight
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.