Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
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The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.