Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
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being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
Yup.
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea