Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
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murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”