Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
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Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.