Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
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Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
i want to work in this restaurant
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*