9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
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you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.