Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
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ibopfufen
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”