WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
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Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent