Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
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My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
This hospital has everything
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.