I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
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What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
Tremendous stuff
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it