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Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
6. me as a lawyer
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.