i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
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Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car