I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
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*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
My friend is an excellent librarian.
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways