5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
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i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.