I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
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Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
Breaking news:
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer