WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
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Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
Worth the read.
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
*limbos under the caution tape
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets