My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
You Might Also Like
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.