Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
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*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.