I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
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The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
Where is your GOD now????
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
When your man makes a valid point
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals