just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
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It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.