I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
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Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.