When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
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My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
hmmm
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
If a snake ate a cake
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.