reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
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Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
The absolute effort that went into this omg
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to