Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
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When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor