Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
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Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later