If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
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Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
Not me, adding double spaces after a period to annoy my teen.
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.