[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
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Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.