Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
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Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.