FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
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I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
They’re really bad with fonts.
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
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My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti