if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
You Might Also Like
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Encore…
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?