A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
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Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
lot going on here, legally speaking.
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
Animal poetry
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit