[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
You Might Also Like
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
A leaf blower, but for people.
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.