Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
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Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂