I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
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If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
Festive toon…
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.