You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
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The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day