I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
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Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?