Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
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We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting