[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
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Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy