Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
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Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
Well, that should do it
it is time once again
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
the only organized thing in my life is crime
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
my retirement plan is braless
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.