My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
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In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
how it started vs how it ended
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
Guy who likes music
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.