Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
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Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
⛄️