Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
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Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
Blew out my flip flop…
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”