[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
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Guantanamo Bae
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
Can’t. Being lazy.
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
The Onion called it…again.
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.