Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
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I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
How about I get 100% off by already being there
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.