The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
You Might Also Like
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
TEETH IS INNOCENT
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
Sounds like a bargain
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
I need to get some bricks…
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.