Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
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Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
Finished stitching this today 😇
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’