My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
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Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks